Good (insert time of day while reading this..)my curious reader. I bet the title of this blog had you just itching to read! Well, its a little more personal and deep than my usual rants...but its been on my mind lately and as you know..I write about what i know.
I know a little TOO much about the ol' art of infidelity. As MOST of you reading this know me personally, you know little to none of the "inner-workings" of my mind. This is a sensitive topic, as I know it'll offend some people or even make some people hate me, but as per-usual, i live my life in a YOLO fashion...so here goes...
Any close friends I've ever had, have heard some CRAZY stories from me in terms of men/dating/relationships. They've even witnessed my crimes of passion and like good friends, keep it on the DL just saying 'Oh Laura..!" which has just become the norm. and no longer are they shocked by my shenanigans. I am ashamed to admit, I've hurt more than my fair share of people and know how to play the game. I never wanted a "serious" relationship in my younger days, and when it finally came knocking at my door..i thought "what the hell..", which always seems like the right answer. And for a while it was. BUT (prepare for hateful judgment in 3..2..1..) I was faithful-ISH in my 7+ year relationship. I was young..and bored and that is a dangerous game. And I played that game on more than one occasion, which FEW people know about, but here it is folks...I fooled around...on MORE than a couple occasions.
Now that that's out in the open, I can take you deeper into the mind of a cheater. I'm not sure WHY i did (or repeatedly did it..). i think it was for the rush. The newness and the fact that, although in a committed relationship, I still had "it". I know lots of people ask, well don't you feel guilty? Well, of course. But never in that moment. And not enough to ever say anything...perhaps I missed that gene. It wasn't an easy task. Lies are exhausting and you have to constantly remember everything said/did/where you were, etc. In case you were ever caught in a lie...unfortunately for me, the person I was with was too damn trusting (THAT'S when the guilt kicks in..thinking about that). So why not break it off? (another EXCELLENT question) Because i still loved him. But personally speaking, I have the sex drive of female cat in heat (sorry ma'!) and if I ain't getting it at home, I shall peruse other resources...and when you got all THIS going on, there was NO shortage of those resources. (That's last part was a joke...seriously I DO NOT think I'm all THAT ha ha)
For those who are not in tune to my blogging, The reason him and I broke-up was (you guessed it) my dirty cheating ways. After we ended things, I had a lot of time to think about what I had done and all the past bull shit I've done. First off, BAD love karma and second, what the HELL is my problem?? Instead of thinking the grass is greener on the other side, why can't I just water my own grass?? If I had a friends sitting across from me, telling me all THESE things they've done, I'd ask them, why not just be single? Or maybe you did love him/them, and loved the idea of having someone to come home to, but wanted a little fun on the side? Bottom line, reader: I'm not the amazing person some people think I am. I hurt people because I don't want anyone too close to me or to hurt me..so I always need to be the one to get the first hit in.
Now I'm sure you're wondering, well what about this new relationship? Once cheater, always a cheater? I've spent the last couple weeks contemplating all those old cliches and I do think its possible for people to change. Its figuring out what you REALLY want, and sticking with it. I have decided what I want, once and for all, and although not deserving of it..I just want to be happy and in a COMMITTED, loving relationship. No more games..no more chasing. I'm tired of the chase..its a lonely life and it just reiterates the disrespect for yourself. After all.." Cheating is a choice, not a mistake.."
"..I know I've been mistaken, but just give me a break and see the changes I've made. I've got some imperfections, but how can you collect them all and throw them in my face" -Staind Lyrics.
some things to ponder about..
Love, Laura xoxox