You may not understand, but I do

Hi friend!

I've been tossing this idea around for a while and decided to put pen to paper..rather fingers to keyboard, same difference. I haven't written about relationships in a while because, well frankly, Haven't needed to. But recent conversations have really got me thinking about my past and present (and future!) relationships.

In short, I'm tired of getting it wrong. So FUCKING tired. Sorry about the ALL CAPS  rage there, but I really am. Life's to short to drink crappy coffee and cry over boys who don't care, my new life motto. The unfortunate side of this motto is that I've not built a structure higher than the great wall of china around my heart; because frankly, I can\t afford to let anyone else in. I mean, how many times can you stitch your heart back together? depending on how brave you are and how much of a romantic dreamer, the answer is unlimited. And what we have here, is dreamer. I'll say time and time again that I'm not doing this again and then a sweet boy with a nice car comes along and hits me like a tornado propelled bumble bee..right in the feels!!

At what point does someone come along that is just as tired as you? When do the games stop? when can we meet someone who isn't hiding the fact that they really aren't over their ex? When am i going to stop being afraid and just let my fucking attitude down? The day I find the one who is just as tired of getting it wrong as me, would be the obvious answer.

To be real for a minute; I'm tired, friend. I don't want games. I don't want boys who don't know what they want out of life. I want real. I want someone to just stop playing games and stop being afraid to tell me the truth about what you want with me. I crave an old school love; which is a special kind of hell in this "hook up" society. It truly is a fucking joke we make out of love, and no one takes it serious.  Hearing about side chicks and men bombarding women with "Come sit on my face" messages has turned the real thing into an unattainable goal.Its almost scary to have to make that decision to start all over again. But I digress...here's something I find that describes me perfectly.

"I don't think you get it. Her guard is up but that's what naturally happens when you've loved with a heart so free & ended up in shackles behind the bars of betrayal. I don't think you understand that shes just trying to protect her heart from further damage. The women who seem hardest to love, often deserve it the most. You may not understand, but I do."

Case and point: I know what I want and will not settle for anything else. After all, I know what I bring to the table so trust me when I say, I'm not afraid to eat alone.

Love, Laura xoxo

My decision to live a child-free life

       Oh hi..didn’t see you there. It’s been a minute since I’ve blogged..anything really! Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans..or whatever that dumb saying is. ANYWAY, this is one of the most controversial topics I think I’ve ever discussed. I’ve also not shared this with anyone except my other half..so, sorry not sorry to my friends and family.

       Confession: I’m a 31 year old woman (this is not the confession), and I have made the decision to not have kids. *Pause for reaction*

        Last I checked, I have NO obligation nor do I owe anyone an apology for making this monumental life choice. I have been thinking about this for a long time and it wasn’t a decision easily made over night. It may come as a shock because I always seemed like I wanted kids and am that “mother type”; sadly I am not. Some might say I am selfish for making this decision, but is it selfish that I only have ONE life and can chose to live it HOW I want? Make my own decisions about things? Design my life how I want it to be? People who know me, know I live my life in a YOLO fashion and love the spontaneity that life can bring. Sorry I took off to Vancouver for the weekend with my man while you were taking your sticky child to their soccer/hockey/anime convention.

       To take a dark turn; some people know, some don’t. I have been a victim of miscarriage in the past. It was the most traumatic event of my life and changed me more than anything ever could. I am VERY compassionate and empathetic towards any woman who has gone through this and FAR too many women keep it a secret. I did for a long time and was so ashamed of my body and the fact that I couldn’t create something that I should be able to do easily. As it turns out, I have a sort of “birth defect”. My body cannot hold the weight of a fetus and tears open around 14-16 weeks; yes it was extremely painful and yes I saw everything that no person should EVER see in this life time. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of that. This, however, is not the reason I made my decision to live a child-free life, just to be clear.

       Coming to this decision was not an easy one. I guess growing up your whole life, your told that that’s just the order of things. You find a partner, get married and have kids. Simple. But why? Kids are great in small doses and don’t take this as me bashing all kids and I’m going around calling them sticky assholes all the time. They are a gift and at the end of every day, you love them so much you feel like you might die. I feel the same way about the new red lipstick I just bought from Urban Decay. Kids..Lipstick..same difference. To sum this up reader; women (and men) should be able to choose. I choose to design my life as I see fit; you choose to fill your life with love and a guarantee that you will never be alone. People will say “oh you’ll change your mind” or “what if you regret it?” or “Oh but you’d make SUCH a great mom”…I’d also make a great serial killer but no one talks about that because it’s scary and shocking. Much like having a child. I am choosing this life because it is MINE. Regrets? Maybe.

..but I’ll take my chances.

Love, Laura xoxo

Tales of an ex-party girl..

Hi Hello!

If you've read my past blog entries you know I've said "Its been a while since I've posted.." but it has really..REALLY been a while. Well over a year, honestly. I've had some ideas kicking through my mind lately and figured I'd like to get back into it!

So as you see from the title, I was indeed a self-made "party girl"- however this is not about wild stories and/or drunken debauchery..as much as you'd like to hear those stories, they are locked in a vault never to to be seen/heard/told or perhaps mimed..if you will, ever again. More so, my search for more peace and less noise.

I've spent the last 12 years of my life periodically partying. The last 3 years however, have been the most crazy. Between the bars, boys (sorry ma') and booze, I was on top of the world. Minimal hours of sleep, copious amounts of coffee, clutched like a wide-eyed owl to a mouse on my morning commute and a head full of bad (yet so good) decisions. A line from a great song reads, "Cigarettes and tiny liquor bottles, just what you'd expect inside her new Balenciaga" about sums up my life back then. Sleep was for the dead and midnight was when things just started to get good. 6 am rolled around and I'd think, "well I SHOULD get some sleep...do something with my life tomorrow", but I never did. My life consisted of sleeping the day away (or working) and then back to it that night.

I began hanging out with like-minded people and it was downhill from there. These relationships only existed based on the fact that we partied together and had no substance; you begin hanging out with old friends less and less because they're "not on your level" any-more...which is heart-breaking if you really think about it. I remember I posted a picture on Instagram with the caption "First meal in 24 hours #partyingisoutofcontrol"..someone should posted "y'all need Jesus" under the picture.

While I'm not an image of sobriety (I'm definitely not) I still enjoy a couple glasses of wine once in a while or I'll have a few on the weekend but "drunk Laura" is a rare occurrence these days. So rare in fact that I was sober on New years, which if you know me, you'd ask yourself if you were in a twilight zone?! Mostly I was tired of the "hang over"; I've never had one before but what I mean is the memories, the loose lips and remembering things I said or did and shuttering with embarassment. I am tired of the "party people" and the shallow conversations and craziness...most of all, the mess to clean up the next day. I wake up clear headed and can actually do things in the morning; in fact I will purposely schedule things in the morning to ensure I avoid any random whiskey excursions.

In Conclusion, If you happen to see me out or are in my home and we are having a time, know it was well thought out and planned and I'll still most likely be in bed by 12am (hell 11:30pm these days). This gals party days are behind her and it was great while it lasted; definitely with NO regrets. 30 is the new sober in my books and while, I'll "turn up" as the kids say, every now and then, I am completely happy with my decision...and I'm sure my liver thanks me.

Love, Laura xoxo