Thursday, April 26, 2012
A convinient truth
It has certainly been a LONG time, since I've blogged about ANYTHING. Getting right into it, tonight's blog is about my personal "get healthy" journey. I have NEVER openly talked about this before (besides to a couple CLOSE family members) but tonight's post-workout melt down proved to me that I should perhaps open up about it a little bit...keep reading..
Bottom line: This is a FUCKING struggle. Pardon my french, but there was no nice way of putting it. EVERYDAY is a struggle against people, nature, AND old habits...old raggedy-ass HABITS! Now, i"ve heard the term, "Old Habits die hard", and I never paid much attention to it, until now. I have worked hard the last 3 months to try and kick them to the curb (SPARTA kick!) and somehow they manage to finagle their way back into my brain, IE) shoving 4 cookies into my mouth before heading out the door...don't judge me (I am hard enough on myself as it is). How do you kick those habits??? I know, DON"T keep that crap in the house...sounds easy enough..If you live on your OWN. I live with a sugar-holic, which is one of my reason that I struggle. Having said that, he is SLOWLY (emphasis on the slow) but surely on his way to kicking his sugar high too, fingers crossed!
Another point, Temptation, is not just an island on Playboy TV. Its real, and its a HUGE part of this journey. I have managed to kick the fast food habit, and I can HONESTLY say, i have not had fast food since BEFORE Christmas..snaps to me! But that doesn't mean I am not bombarded with it DAILY. Especially at work...GEEZ LOUISE! I am not asking people to be tip toeing around me when talking about food of any sort, but for the LOVE of GOD please don't ask me if i want anything from anyplace! As an over-weight person, it takes a LOT of effort to say no to deliciousness everyday, and someone of average size doesn't have the same brain wave as we do I suppose. I'm afraid a lot of people don't understand what its TRULY like inside the brain of a fat person. Imagine having this insatiable NEED to eat something JUST BECAUSE its there??? Imagine being an alcoholic, and someone putting a bottle of JD in front of you and saying you CAN'T have any...or you can just have ONE drink!? Like me and a package of deli meat, that bottle would be down before you could say "dogs tuxedo".We need food to LIVE. I once watched this documentary on this guy who had that stomach surgery, and lost a TON of weight, and then put it ALL back on and he said "imagine being a recovering alcoholic and needing to have 1 drink a day...how successful do you think they would be?"
Everyday is a struggle, period. I knew it would be hard, but not THIS hard. And i know it will only go uphill from here, blah,blah,blah.I know I am normally very private about this, but I BROKE the HELL down after my work-out. I was kicking ass and taking names doing Billy Blanks Boot Camp on DVD and felt SO good after it, and he always has this inspirational speech, which i normaly skip over, but he was talking about how no one else can lose the weight but YOU, and god can only help you so much, you need to let him in, etc. And maybe I'm pre-menstrual, but I flippin began tearing up..and then went into FULL BLOWN tear puddles. This IS going to be hard and it didn't take me 1 day to put the weight on...I've been packing it on for 26 years! But I know it WILL come off (it already has). I am just impossibly hard on myself, which doesn't help AT ALL. I want results NOW, not in 6 months...I suppose i am expecting too much...
Anyways, this just all came spilling out at me randomly, so I'm sorry if I was all over the place. But it was all over my head and I just needed to get it out on record. I'm not sure if I'll do more blogs like this...maybe on my next break-down...around the 6 month mark ha-ha.